


My Heart Leaps Up

by likesflowers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anger, Childhood Friends, Gen, Growing Up, Pre-Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 21:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13016130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likesflowers/pseuds/likesflowers
Summary: Poe Dameron met Ben Solo at age five. It was glares all around.





	My Heart Leaps Up

**1\. This is not a story about friendship.**

When Poe is five years old, he attends the Battle of Endor Remembrance Banquet for the first time, practically vibrating with excitement at the thought of seeing Lando Calrissian and Han Solo and all the other heroes of the Rebellion. Maybe even Luke Skywalker will be there!

The banquet is boring. Their seats are too far from the front to see anything, the food is terrible, and the speeches are endless. Poe sneaks out and finds a storage room to play in. Two minutes later a skinny dark-haired boy with a vicious glare sneaks in and they manage to build a model droid together out of spare bits of electronics laying around. The other boy glares the whole time.

They’ve just about got the droid assembled, but they still need a battery pack for it when the boy’s mother comes looking for him. Poe recognizes her from the holos, and the Princess is even more beautiful in person than she is on the screen, even when she’s got a classic ‘you’re in trouble, kid’ Mom look on her face. She gently scolds the boy--Ben--for sneaking out, but not Poe, and kindly tells Poe she’ll take him back to his parents' table with a firm and welcoming smile. 

Poe feels something warm in his chest, but he is not sure whether it is love or worship.

The other boy is so angry at being interrupted that he kicks the droid they were building. Hard. It hits the wall and breaks into pieces. The boy glares at the shattered remains until his mother guides them both from the room.

When they get back to Poe’s table, his own mother has that worried-annoyed look on her face and he knows he will get his own scolding later tonight. He remembers her lessons in politeness, however, and thanks the Princess for bringing him back here, as if he had gotten lost accidentally rather than sneaking off intentionally.

She invites him to play with Ben another time, if he wants. Ben just glares at her as if she has betrayed him.

Poe isn’t sure what to think of the boy, but he knows what he thinks about a Hero of the Rebellion asking him anything, and that is to say yes. Besides, he likes building droids, and until he got angry, the boy had actually been quite helpful. 

Before the two walk off, he thanks Ben, who won’t look at him, and says “See ya around.” He’s almost back at his seat when he hears it echoed back at him.

  


**2\. This is not a story about building droids.**

Poe didn’t really think it would happen, but a week later his mom gets a holocall that first makes her go pale, when she sees the number, and then rosy and nervous and pleased a minute into the conversation. The next day he goes to Ben’s house to build some model droids. 

They argue and glare the whole time. But at the end of the afternoon, they have two and a half working models, and the only time violence erupted was when they had to decide what color to paint them.

When C3PO asks if Ben wants Poe to come back next week, Ben glares and says, yes.

  


**3\. This is not a story about heroes.**

Poe has been going to Ben’s house almost every week for two months now. This time, instead of building more droids or model ships, Poe brings a new comic book he bought, just that morning. It’s about the Battle of Hoth, and the artist has done such a stunning job with the colors, all vivid and jaw-dropping: white snow and gray metal and blue lightsaber and red blood. He wants to share it with someone.

Ben likes the drawings, especially of the wampa, but scoffs at the actual story. He says that’s not what happened and the artist must be stupid to think it is. Poe starts to argue that the artist isn’t stupid, Ben is, because how could Ben know? And Ben just says his mom told him, and Poe shuts right up. He’d all but forgotten, somehow, who Ben’s parents were. Who Ben is.

Quietly, he asks Ben what it’s like to have heroes for your family. Ben says that they’re not heroes, they’re just family, and sometimes stupid family at that.

Poe doesn’t really get it.

  


**4\. This is not a story about fathers.**

Usually, it’s only C3P0 around when Poe comes over. Leia is usually at one of her endless meetings, and Han is off world as often as he’s home. When he is home, he’s usually tinkering with his ship.

But today, Han walks into the kitchen about five minutes after Poe arrives, a bag of parts slung over his shoulder. He asks if they want to go work on the ship with him instead of sitting here being bored by Goldenrod. 

Poe’s enthusiastic YES drowns out Ben’s moody no, and they head over to the hanger bay, Poe excitedly asking questions about the Millennium Falcon the whole time. He’s seen her, of course, but never up close, and the thought of actually setting foot on _this_ ship is making him dizzy. 

Ben is mumbling under his breath about a useless piece of junk that should have been traded to the Hutts for scrap metal. By now, Poe knows Ben well enough to recognize that as his protective anger, for something he cares about, even when he hates it. He talks about C3P0 the same way. And Poe.

Han seems pleased a chance to show off his new ship, and Chewbacca is exactly as terrifying as expected. Han even asks if Poe wants to sit in the pilot’s chair, then cautions him, “Don’t touch ANYTHING.” 

Ben is holding the flashlight and Poe is holding a part while Han solders something in place. Han says he has a knack for ships, asks him where he learned it.

Poe tells him his mom was a pilot, that he’s going to be a pilot, just like her. Han ruffles his hair with the hand not holding the soldering iron and says he’ll be the best pilot in the Resistance one day. Poe beams with joy and doesn’t think to wonder why Han said Resistance, rather than Republic, until much, much later. He rattles on about how he wants to help customize his own droid someday to help him pilot it, how he’s going to make the Kessel Run in 11 seconds, just wait and see. Han laughs at that and tells him, “Good luck with that, kid.”

Finally, Poe looks around and asks where Ben is. Chewbacca says he went home twenty minutes ago. 

  


**5\. This is not a story about legacy.**

Poe’s in class when he realizes that Ben being Leia Organa’s son also means that he’s Darth Vader’s grandson. He wonders what it’s like to have both heroes and villains up your family tree, and close enough in time that they’d all sit at a meal together if they weren’t, you know, dead.

He asks Ben that afternoon, because they’ve gotten to the point where they just talk at and to each other, even for subjects as touchy as this. 

He’s honestly surprised when Ben doesn’t get angry at him for asking, or at Vader for being, well, evil. Instead, his eyes light up. “Grandfather was amazing,” he says. “He was the strongest Force user ever born. He shaped the galaxy to his will.”

This was not an interpretation of Vader that Poe had ever encountered, even in the Imperialist propaganda left on their doorstep that he saw accidentally before his mother took it and burned it. 

“He killed people. LOTS of people. He blew up your mom’s planet.”

Ben doesn’t even look angry--an unusual look for him, especially when someone disagreed with him. “He killed the Emperor, too. Are you saying that was a bad move? That he shouldn’t have done that?”

Poe just shakes his head. “My mom is a pilot. She flew through the debris field of Alderaan. No one who orders that could be called anything but a monster.”

Ben just smiles, freakish in his calm. “Guess I’m part monster, then. I accept who I am.”

  


**6\. This is not a story about victories.**

Poe realizes that Ben is one of his best friends, because when he wins an award in science, Ben is one of the first people he thinks to tell.

When he calls and tells Ben about it, Ben is excited for him. Clearly Ben doesn’t hate him anymore, either. 

Even if he still glares a lot and calls him a nerf herder.

  


**7\. This is not a story about mothers.**

Poe’s mom dies. It doesn’t matter that she died a hero, it matters that she’s gone.

Ben and his family go to the funeral, but they don’t sit near Poe, they sit in the special section reserved for VIPs. Afterwards, though, Leia makes a point to come over and give him a long hug. She tells him he is always welcome in their home.

Poe misses his mom too much to say thank you, and later it seems too awkward to say it. But the first time he drops by unannounced, when Ben is at fencing class, Leia just smiles and hands him a snack while he sits at the kitchen table and does his homework. He leaves before Ben gets home, and he doubts Leia will even tell him Poe came over.

He thinks he might have managed to say thank you, after all.

  


**8\. This is not a story about refuge.**

They hear the news sometimes, about a group of Imperialists who retreated to an edge of the outer rim to recruit and regroup. This news keeps getting worse every year. 

It feels like a story until a ship full of refugees who escaped from a planet this First Order razed for ore and labor arrives. It’s mostly shock-eyed old women and dirty school-aged children. Apparently most of the adults were forced into slavery at the mines, and a lot of the babies were taken to be turned into stormtroopers.

Ben and Poe aren’t really sure what to think about the new arrivals. Poe says they should try to make friends because losing everything you know must be scary. Ben says they’re probably carrying diseases, if the First Order wouldn’t take them, and half of the kids don’t even speak Standard, so how could they be friends?

Poe points out that they became friends primarily by glaring at each other long enough, although he’s not sure now why he’d want to be friends with a jerk like Ben. He wishes he were surprised when he got a split lip for his trouble, but to be fair, Ben ended up with a bruise on his cheek too.

The both got in trouble for that one.

  


**9\. This is not a story about rivals.**

Poe makes an effort to get to know some of the new children, and it’s not two days before he meets Laila. She’s got flawless dark skin and wide brown eyes and a cheerful smile, even though she was the only member of her entire family to make it onto the ship. Her Standard isn’t very good, so Poe offers to help tutor her after school.

Ben meets Laila when he comes to meet Poe one afternoon, and he doesn’t say a word the whole time, just stares at her like he’s seen a Force vision. It’s a little creepy, Poe thinks, even as his hackles rise. For the next week, Poe comes to meet him every afternoon, even though they hadn’t planned anything, and then proceeds to say nothing while he’s around Laila, then kick at the dirt angrily as they walk home.

The spring Force Festival is coming up. It’s tradition for people, especially youths, to attend in pairs. There’s a special tree you stand under and hold hands and give each other a kiss on the cheek for luck in the next year.

Ben tries to punch Poe when he realizes Poe intends to ask Laila to go with him, but by now Poe’s wise to Ben’s moves and dodges him, even managing to trip Ben into a pile of garbage bags. Ben hollers that Laila should go with him, that he is the best one to show her a festival and tell her about the Force. Poe just laughs at him, says at least he can talk to her, and walks off. They don’t speak at all for three days.

Laila goes to the festival with someone else entirely.

  


**10\. This is not a story about mentors.**

Ben and Poe don’t stop being angry at each other, but they at least stop not talking and wander around the festival side by side--NOT together, they point out to C3PO at least twice--and by late afternoon, stuffed on too much fried sugarbread and over-sweet honeyjuice, they sprawl down next to a tree. They point out a high-tech new droid model rolling around--literally--but neither of them have the energy to go look at it, so they stay, lazy as cats in the warm sun and light breeze. 

A group of teenagers sits down a few feet away, speaking loudly and officiously about the Jedi, the Force, and a whole lot of other things they clearly know next to nothing about. Poe tunes them out and listens to the faint music carrying on the breeze, but Ben seems to be intentionally eavesdropping. Poe closes his eyes, but they jerk open a few minutes later as he hears Ben shouting about how “you better take that back, because Luke Skywalker is nothing like his father.” He hears a thud and looks over to realize it was Ben’s fist against the face of a kid at least four years older than him, with three taller friends sitting nearby.

Poe runs over just in time to take an accidental kick to the stomach, but that puts him in a great position to headbutt his way into the middle of the pile.

By the time the security droids arrive, one of the teenagers is laying on the ground moaning and Poe has another on the ground in an armlock (if he himself is in a headlock from a third kid, well, he won’t admit it). But Ben is sitting on his opponent’s chest, fists flying at his face as if in a trance. There’s blood on the kid’s face, on Ben’s fists, on the ground. Some flies up and lands on the security droids as they drag Ben off of the kid. 

The kid ends up in the hospital overnight. Poe and Ben both end up at the security office, waiting on someone to come pick them up.

Han Solo arrives to bail them out. 

He is solicitous over Poe’s black eye and jokes that this is neither the first nor the last time he’s picked up a pal from lockup. He doesn’t say “pal” in a patronizing way, but it still feels strange to hear. 

Han gives Ben a quick hug, but even Poe can tell it’s stiff and uncomfortable for them both. Ben is now the same height as Han, and it’s strange way, an odd moment to realize it. A quick once-over shows Ben’s only injury is a split lip and what will probably be an impressive bruise on his stomach in the morning. 

Han starts to say something about the boy in the hospital, then stops. Sighs. He goes to put his hand on Ben’s shoulder, then pauses and, finally, pulls back.

Poe feels himself wondering if Han is frightened for or by his son. 

  


**11\. This is not a story about growing up.**

A month after the festival, Poe is watching Ben pack a small bag and feeling an odd sense of loss, even as he listens to Ben speak with uncharacteristic excitement about all the things he is going to learn at his uncle’s temple. How he’s going to be a Jedi Master one day, be known throughout the galaxy.

Ben promises to call him on the holonet once a week, and that he’ll see him at the next Endor Remembrance Day. He tells Poe not to say goodbye to him at the spaceport, so Poe is at home reading a repair manual for the soon-to-be-released BB-8 model when the Falcon lifts off, Ben onboard heading towards his new future.

  


**12\. This is not a story about coming home.**

Ben calls as promised the first two weeks, excitedly talking about his training but saying he can’t give any details away. Poe thinks that’s probably just pretentiousness on Ben’s part, but it’s not like he’d expect otherwise from him--he’s known him long enough to accept that as Ben’s default setting. The third week he doesn’t call, just leaves a quick text about being busy. The calls taper off quickly from there, to once every month, and then every two.

Poe still visits the Solos, even though Ben isn’t there. They have dinner and talk about the Falcon or the fools in the Republic Senate or the plans Poe has for upgrading the BB droid he’s saving up to buy. They laugh, a lot. It feels comfortable. It feels like family.

When Ben finally calls a month before Endor Remembrance Day, Poe already knows what he’s going to say. He tells Ben thanks for letting him know, and maybe they will be able to catch up next year. 

After the call ends, Poe stares at the handset for a long time.

  


**13\. This is not a story about remembering.**

One night, Poe wakes up from a dead sleep, shaking in terror. He doesn’t know if it was a nightmare or something else, but the fear quickly gives way to a feeling of fury, almost blinding in its abruptness. He sits up in bed, trying to get a grip on if there’s an actual emergency or not, when the fury subsides like it has been drowned by a wave of resolution. He feels so certain and righteous for a moment; he could right every wrong in the galaxy with that sort of calm, and then--

The flood of emotions are cut like a string, and abruptly he just feels hollow. It feels like someone cut a tiny piece of his brain out, no nerve endings to tingle but leaving an echoing space where something used to be. Something, or someone.

  


**14\. This is not a story about forgiveness.**

The next morning he is sitting at Leia’s kitchen table when the call arrives from Luke about the temple. Poe can see the dirt and bruises from where he dug himself out from under the rubble, soot staining his blond hair dark. His eyes are dark and haunted. 

He tells Leia he’s sorry. That he’s leaving and she shouldn’t follow him. He asks her to give his love to Han and Chewie then cuts the call before she can answer.

Poe isn’t sure what he should do, so he does the same thing Leia did all those years ago at his mom’s funeral. This time, though, he is now bigger than her, and he is reminded suddenly of how small and frail she really is, despite her personality and character filling the entire room. She clings to him for a long moment, or is it Poe, clinging to her? He stays at the house for the whole day, until Han gets back from his latest trading voyage, and then he slips out silently while Han is still holding her, face ashen and hollow.

He watches Han blame himself and leave. He sees Leia blame herself and stay. 

Poe never says Ben’s name again.


End file.
